Bring To A Boil

I'm going to illustrate a frog in the pot of water scenario. This is an analogy of a frog being gradually boiled to death. If you were to throw a frog into boiling water, the frog would say "fuck that" and jump right out. However, a frog placed in cold water and gradually brought up to boil will get use to the heat until it is far too late. This is my story (and many other people's), so let's begin.

Let's go back to our innocent days in Sunday School, where we sang little teeny bopper worship songs, played games, colored pages, had snacks of all sorts, and were taught that God loves you no matter what, even more than your mom and dad. Life seemed pretty good at that time (although many kids had awful home lives, I recognize this. But for my own story, it was not bad at all). I didn't have much exposure to what was "proper" or "improper" according to the world. I was a homeschooled kid, going to a conservative Christian coop with other kids like me. I remember believing that homosexuals were misguided, that people who got divorced hated God, and that my anxieties were the result of demons tormenting me or God convicting me. Sounds bad? Nah, it was normal. The water is normal. 

I then remember going to my very own youth group that didn't have anything to do with my parent's church. It was my church! My own thing they were not involved in. Conveniently the first time I went there I was told that if I started coming I should decide if I was all in, because they were about to start a 6 week purity talk and I shouldn't miss a thing. What was a purity talk? Who knows! I signed up, and sat through the whole thing. I remember being told if I had sex before marriage I would get STDs and die. I remember being told that the only way to have a good marriage is if I saved myself. I also remember all the girls being separated from the guys and being told that it was our duty to help our brothers in Christ to not stumble, to not lust. We had to help them by dressing properly, speaking a certain way, avoiding situations where we were ever alone with them, and much more. The water is getting a little warmer.

I remember sitting in church listening to various pastors tell us that we had to do right by God, and that everything belonged to God. Your money isn't yours, you wouldn't have had that job without God, so give the church your money. If you don't, you are a bad Christian and sinning against God. I remember being told that sexual immorality was rampant and that those who have lead a life of the flesh were weak and have fallen out of God's graces. I remember being told from the stage that homosexuals were in denial of their true nature and that their very life was a mockery to God. I felt this was weird, because I knew people who were gay since attending college, and they seemed like very normal people. However, I stuck with my friends and kept silent as I sat in the stained rows of fabric cushioned chairs. The water is getting a little uncomfortable, but nothing I can't handle. 

I remember pastors screaming from stage the dangers of yoga and now it is a tool designed by the enemy to trick you into devil worship. I was told men in society these days are weak and fragile and how families are being torn apart because of their lack of masculine strength and spiritual leadership. I was told that if you were on antidepressants or anxiety medication it was because your prayer life was lacking and that you didn't fully trust and surrender to God. The water here was too warm, but other churches could be a little cooler. This is what I told myself, so I moved on.

I remember, just within the last few years, being told from my pastor that we were not doing enough. I wasn't doing enough. I was not praying enough, I was not giving enough, I was not serving enough, I was not reading enough, I was not evangelizing enough, and I had to do better. I remember the steps given. I remember sitting there numb, taking notes, and still believing that I was in the best place I could possibly be. I would never have imagined moving away from where I was living, because where else was I going to find a church so loving? This water now was very hot and something was wrong, but I didn't know exactly why. 

Looking back at it with this perspective I can now see how near to boiling the water had become. Something in me began to crumble. I was serving as a greeter at my last church. A simple task, and good for a person like me where I can greet people but not have the burden of revealing my true self to those who came in the door every week. However, more demands were being put onto all volunteers where we had to come in even earlier and participate in what the church calls corporate prayer (group praying for those not in the know). I hated this and went against a lot of what I wanted to do. Again the church was putting upon me that I am not doing enough, so now it was becoming mandatory in order to complete the duties I had committed to for my community. I began avoiding it. Declining schedule requests, coming in late so I didn't have to participate in prayer, and being called out publicly for it. I was greatly uncomfortable. I had to take action. 

Something in me snapped on my last day of church. Easter Sunday, 2022. I served that day, and had to put on my best face. I remember finishing my shift and going into the sanctuary and it being so packed there was no room for me to sit. I returned to the lobby where the sermon was being broadcasted. I remember being greeted by my small group leader, of which I hadn't been to group in nearly 2 months. None of the leaders in that group ever reached out to see where I had gone, or if I was even ok. The leader exclaimed, "tI's been too long! Where have you been?" I simply said "I've been here." I remember turning towards the TV, my attention suddenly grabbed by the crisp sneakered pastor on stage. The volume of his voice, the tone behind it, and the giant gestures he was throwing. I stopped suddenly seeing clearly and asked myself, "Why is he yelling? Who would go to church on Easter to be yelled at? Why is he condemning people? Who would want this?" and suddenly I realized I was in boiling water. 

I don't even remember if I stayed until the end. The rest is blank. What I do recall are the weeks and months that followed, and what I recall was simply this: silence. 

In the time that followed I would get into big rants with fellow church goers who had began to leave that church. I didn't realize it, but many of us were all leaving at the same time and didn't know others had left. The more time past the more it began to be clear...no one from the church cared. I was a registered member, they had reached out to me personally in the past about happenings in the church, the pastors had my personal phone number, I attended members only meetings, they knew my name and my family. I could have gotten ill and in the hospital, I could have gotten hit by a bus, I could have had a family member die which all triggered my absence...and yet no one reached out. Not once. Not ever. 

This completely broke me. I would tell people I didn't care what the church did, but I would say this and then crack and crumble until I was weeping. However, I did care. I did care what the church did, which was be true to their word and this promise that we were all a family in Christ. "Be known" was part of this church's motto. I had thought I was known, but I was quickly forgotten. I had abandoned the church, and in return I was abandoned. The church is supposed to fight for their people the way that Jesus fights for us, but in the end the church is incapable of becoming like Jesus. I believe it never will be. Not even close. 

It has been over a year now, and whenever I think I should try to go back to church, I feel the same recoil inside as if someone would tell me to stick my hand into a pot of boiling water. Without thinking I pull back. Even the steam is too hot to go near. I can imagine in my head the judgement Christians give me when I tell them I am not attending church anymore. Still I think I am not a good Christian, because I am not attending like instructed. I couldn't explain it 6 months ago, but now I am able to do so. I'll explain in further entries. For now, I am attending to my burns.